Morally Complicated, Emotionally Fucked

I have many secrets, and I love my secrets, but this one in particular is slowly killing me. The stress from living a double life is eating me up alive. I accidentally fell in love with my married sugar daddy! 

Before the character's assassination, this was a major moral dilemma, not for falling in love but for having a married sugar daddy. Still, I have come to terms with Karma being a bitch, and I'll have to eventually answer for these choices. 

Let me first tell you how I got here, then decide my fate and offer some advice on my next steps. 

It all began sophomore year in college, after being previously assaulted that summer, still in shock and traumatized. As a result, I had the bright idea to sign up to become a sugar baby, which only added to the trauma and damaging experiences with men. Still, at least it was my choice this time. 

Eventually, I matched with Mr. X, let's call him, and I wasn't initially aware he was married. I enjoyed our conversation, and at this point, I was keeping so many secrets that I didn't have the strength to put on a persona that I did with the other suitors, so I was my quirky self. 

Our first date was at a steak house downtown, and I was terrified! It's not like I wasn't nervous before previous dates, but this one felt different. I was genuinely looking forward to meeting him and the others; I knew it'd never go past the introduction, which, besides him, was true. Maybe terrified isn't the best word, but I knew this would be unlocking an undercover adventure of a lifetime. I'm not ashamed of myself, but it is also a side of my life I don't feel comfortable sharing with my real life. And I consciously decided to keep this a secret, even before I knew he was married.

Regarding the date, it was friendly and informative. I liked what I saw other than the wedding ring. I immediately asked him why he was doing this as a married man, and he had his reasons, but the choice was mine to continue down this path. Well, obviously, I did because, ultimately, I was curious. 

I wanted to experience being a sugar baby, especially since he was my fantasy. A sexy older gentleman with swag, class, and a touch of mystery always turned me on. Then, I loved how he spoke to me; he always saw me as greatness and was equally confused about why I was even interested in being a sugar baby. I didn't need the money; it was about control and a power dynamic. I enjoy the thrill of providing a fantasy, being desired but truly never being obtained. It's a constant chase, and I love the game of it all; he is my favorite playmate. By the end of the date, it was hell yes for me; I deleted my profile and officially had a sugar daddy, Mr. X. 

After that, things escalated quickly, and the ride of a lifetime, figuratively and literally, began. It was honestly a sexual awakening and, to this day, the best sex of my life, I can't give it up, and yes, I fell in love with the dick before the man. Love was never supposed to be a part of the plan. 

Our next date was in a hotel bar, and y'all aren't ready for what's coming next.